By Andy, 65. Byron Bay, NSW
Woke this morning kinda listless …
A rainy day again (as is the cycle at present). Brewed an espresso and sat in the feelings rather than attempt to shake them off. My mind was like a book left carelessly out in the breeze. Pages flitting, randomly stopping occasionally with the rhythm of nature. Holding a brief moment of clarity of thought then flicking on.
It has taken to old age to actually stop and consider the decisions I have made. Why didn’t I take that opportunity that was offered freely? Why didn’t I ask out that beautiful woman who clearly was interested? Then I reflect and see that I was not mentally/emotionally present with myself when these situations presented themselves. The decision was actually perfect for the time in my life. I now realise that memories (which obviously ignite emotions when they come to mind) have little regard for my emotional state at the time that they occurred.
I guess it’s about clearing any feelings of regret.
Another realisation is that ultimately we are alone (not lonely). All through life I associated happiness with people, with relationships. But now I see lives around me ending like old fashioned tape recorders when they finish the spool … click click click …
I have spent my life unintentionally attaining self-realisation through personal inquiry or curiosity, never considering that the process would ultimately divide me from all others. But yes, it’s about letting go.
I have always had fear of losing control. Hallucinogens attracted my curious side but fear would often override an experience. That’s because it’s a taste of death. Beyond our control. And I’m getting comfortable with this.
Hmm, time for another espresso and see what the day brings.