When I Rule the World

By Sue, 69. Aberfoyle Park, SA

Don’t you often think to yourself  ‘when I rule the world...’ as some aspect of today’s living drives you to despair? Welcome to my despot fantasy, where it’s not a matter of ‘if’ but THINGS WILL CHANGE. Remember, in my fantasy, I am dictator now — an omnipotent presence.

Rules in my world are simple:

1. My word is Law
2. Nothing is negotiable
3. No exceptions
4. I am BOSS

As I peruse my long list of matters that piss me off to a lesser or greater degree, I realise time is not on my side. Do I prioritise, or just start at the top and see how many irritating things I can alter to my will before my reign is over and another despot lays claim to my throne sat high on the mound of moral indignation? It is becoming a very coveted position.

1. Why do people put bananas in plastic bags? The skins don’t need protection. You remove them before eating. Also, they are already in a nice hand shape to hold.

2. Self-serve check outs. They require one or two staff members to stand shotgun when they could be utilised opening another real checkout.  Also, sack the woman in the machine. She is one bossy female.

3. Tattoos. I’m not interested in how you use your body as a doodle board recording the trials and joys as you pass through life. Remember, fifty years on they will hold quizzes and award prizes to anyone in the rest home who can recognise what those scrawls upon your skin originally were, now so distorted.  Gazza and Jazza friends from your teenage years are either no longer with us, or too ga-ga to be of any help.

4. Personalised number plates. Extra expense to show the drivers behind you how cute and creative you can be. Cautionary note: These plates are very easy to remember as you drive off into the distance after causing mayhem on the road. Especially IDIOT 1.

5. Parents who think cafes, etc., are extensions of daycare and kindergarten where their supervision is not required. That’s your job, as you grab a wine glass as it plummets to the floor after a table wobbles due to being king-hit by a three-year-old whose sibling is testing the decibel meter.

6. Mobile phone users whose conversations test the patience of all. BUT they can provide much amusement to listeners who now know where she goes on a Friday evening — unbeknownst to hubby — and also, where she has an embarrassing rash that was ’til then a secret between her, her doctor, and friend Fliss.

I haven’t marked off many on my very long list, but it is the first day of ruling the world and a rest is called for. Trouble is, tomorrow they’ll be another half dozen more items to add to this ever-increasing list.

Before my snooze, just one more: to remove from all teenagers to ability to say the world LIKE. That should keep them quiet ’til they choose another annoying, useless word to pad out their conversations.

I shall finish off with the rallying call from my role model The Queen of Hearts: All ways here are my ways. Remember, life is awesome, totally — pass me my phone and bananas. I can see the medicine trolley coming my way …

I love happy hour.

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lairbus51gmailcom
lairbus51gmailcom
15 days ago

Hi Sue, I loved your article. It was so funny. I’m sure you’d give Vladimir Putin a run for his money. There again, I’m sure you don’t want to be compared with him. I can relate to the things you rant about, especially teenagers saying ‘like’ every second word and mums treating cafes as creches.

lairbus51gmailcom
lairbus51gmailcom
15 days ago

Hi Sue, I loved your article. It was so funny. As a dictator, I reckon you’d give Vladimir Putin a run for his money. There again, I’m sure you don’t want to be compared with someone like him. I can relate to all the things you rant about, especially teenagers saying ‘like’ every second word and mums using cafes as creches.

Margaret McCaffrey
9 days ago

I agree about the self-serve checkouts. So annoying. (Lucky I don’t shop!)